2010 Reflections

It's a Friday night, and New Year's Eve is soon arriving.
I have a couple of hours of stillness before I head out with the work crew to celebrate, let me reflect a little on 2010 and what has come and gone while listening to John Mayer's 'Slow Dancing in a Burning Room.'


Relationships

I spent most of 2010 paired with Jake. I don't regret having been with him, and I don't regret having ended it. Every time I leave a relationship I learn a little more about who I am and what I want, what I need from my partner, what I need in the relationship and secured for the future.

From this relationship, I've learned that getting involved with someone romantically means getting involved with their family as well, it's inevitable. And though my partner's personality or lifestyle may not be totally and completely derived from his family, he will always have been influenced by them somehow. I've also learned that what they do now gives me a pretty good idea of what they will be doing in the future. It's rare for anyone's life to completely change, or even make a good turnaround. Usually, they will just follow the path they've already set for themselves some years ago. I've learned from past relationships that I don't want a partner too attached and clingy, who's a bad kisser, and is self-belittling; someone who gives all his heart from the start without knowing what he's headed for, too serious about life, and awkwardly nice; a boy who does not grow up, only wants to have fun, will go out of his way to make his fun, and is treated as a boy by his family with these reasons so obvious to me, yet he could not see; one who has a self-image problem, and doesn't take enough initiative to change his lifestyle, who loves love too much... the list goes on, and will go on as long as I know who I am and what I want.

But enough with the relationship rant, teeehee.
Some fun things that have happened recently...
1) I wore my giant 6g nose ring to Kula with Phuong, and Sushiboy struck up conversation with me about it, and about his teeny 14g one haha. Phuong left him my number but he was on break, as we saw walking out the place, and didn't get it... THANKFULLY, LISA AND PHUONG WENT TO KULA THE VERY NEXT DAY and Lisa brought me up. He asked for my name and Lisa left him my number again at the table. Too bad I've not heard from him, he seemed cute, although I can't say for sure what he looked like anymore :(
2) I met Jamie last semester, and she's such a cool chick. She invited me to her Thanksgiving kickback, I went by myself and was pretty intimidated at first but ended up making a few friends. I went to lunch with one, DM, and though I thought he was interesting at first I no longer think so. I still owe a lunch date with DB so I will try to carry that out, but I think their lifestyles are real turn-offs. Maybe I'm just not into the richer guys who have free time to do pot. I don't have anything against them for doing it, and hearing them talk about it is interesting somewhat, but that's not what I want for myself..
3) I've been seeing straight-edge instead. I thought the Christmas wrapping was just about the best thing ever. He's definitely getting to me lol.


Work

I'm still working at Walgreens with everyone who originally started at this store. Jeanette was let go some time ago, I'm not sure if this was in the past year. Not a great loss at all, tbh lolol. Losing John was rather unfortunate though. I feel like, with the way I card smokers, I might get caught in their stupid traps too. :/

In addition to Walgreens I also work as a graphic designer! I think this has been the most exciting thing to happen to me in a long long time. It happened so suddenly, too!
Apparently, Chi Ti and Burroughs were having brunch at nearby tables when Burroughs overheard Chi Ti mention that she knows someone who could design her Bicyclist Club's shirts. Burroughs, having been looking for new designers for her small business, came over to the cyclist table and gave Chi Ti her card.
I've been working for her ever since, making whatever small businesses come to her for: business cards, banners, flyers, pamphlets, magnets... I also work on her personal line of pet-themed collectibles. She's a sweet lady, and giving me a raise soon! I'm excited for what 's in store for me =)


School

I didn't do so hot last semester, I got almost all B's save one A and one D!!! It was a Carlos class, sigh. I got an A in enameling though! I thoroughly enjoyed Susanna's class, and hope to take at least one more metals class while I'm still here.
I've decided to go through with the BFA program. I'm gonna work on my portfolio given the chance, and apply for the program hopefully by next year. I hope to graduate in two years, with two degrees. I'm excited and anxious for the future! Teacher? Illustrator? Designer? No one knows.


Memorables

Over the summer I worked with a group of art students and community service volunteers on a mural in Stanton. It was a fairly large wall, standing at 14 feet tall and 60 feet wide. I worked on it with Jake, too, and so his name will be along mine on the wall for as long as the painting stands. It looks adorable, I love the colors and the message. I drew all the people! =)

I've picked up an interest in ceramics and fabrics, LOL. I want yarn now more than ever, and want to learn foreals how to make stuff! I don't really wanna do more ceramics but I keep an eye out for unique ceramic things, like this adorable set of half-cups that form one mug together. It looks like it was made cheap, but I got it at Goodwill for cheap anyway lol, and it's just so adorable!

I love hanging out with Phuong Lisa and Tuan. Of course Tuan is not usually here, so we 3 girls tend to have our own fun most of the time. We all have very different goals for the future and schedules but make it all work to get that coffee and tea, and those damn pastries. 85C adventures, errands, The Office, whatever it may be, I love it all. I love my friends!

I've stopped stretching my lobes for a bit, the cold weather had been really harsh on them. While they heal and stay content at 0g, I've been working on my septum piercing instead. I'm at 4g now, and not looking to stop any time soon. I'd like to reach at least 0g there. I'm contemplating what other piercing to get... but I guess I will know in 2011 8)

fuckeeeenng lifeee

Hamade's damage is almost $500.
There goes all my fucking money, which doesn't even fucking exist at this time. Not really...

List of things to add to stress:
412: 6 projects
412: research paper
412: folio
407: 3-6 lesson plans
407: folio

goddamn, art ed is giving me shit this semester. thank god i only have one more Carlos class, just one more... just one............................... fuck!

i'm behind in ceramics by one entire project. i guess i'll just have to stay extra extra days for the final project now. i still need to stay on track for enameling. buddhism, i don't even know... pulled a move on the midterm so we'll see. yoga can touch my toes and kiss em.

on top of all this i still have work1 and work2 so yay me, my life, it loves me =( or maybe i hate it and treat it badly.

on the bright side, i have 35 faces to look forward to every week... but only for one more week. and then i won't see them (hopefully i'll get to!) until december. oh no :( my kids :(

text from Tuan

"You are an amazing Adeline, the only one that exists. I love you very much. I hope you have a great day because you deserve it everyday. You have more strength and courage than you can imagine!"



ily my friend =)


Lisa's birthday dinner was last night, and it was full of laughter. I hadn't seen most of those girls since high school but I think I'm much better now at small conversation and just making conversation, in general. A few drinks help.

For Phuong's birthday, we went to Universal Horror Nights. It was great fun, I had never been! I got scared good, MANY times. Lol I loved it, I'd go again. Horror movies are blah, eh, but living the horror is fantastic and hilarious =)

Tuan's birthday has passed as well but we won't get to celebrate until thursday. I'm not entirely sure what we will be doing but as always in the past, even when we do nothing, it is a good day =) But since we will all be in SD and 21, the night should be interesting!


I love my friends so much. They inspire me, and improve me.
They let me be me. I'll save this for Thanksgiving post though =)

5 days

what now?
what do i do, i don't know.
i just wanna sit and do nothing. there is nothing to do.

heavy

Misery loves company. I'm thankful I can talk to Anthony; strange that we are in the same boat. It helps to know someone going through a similar situation, it's a lot easier to talk to them over others who aren't in such a situation.

I found some comfort in simply watching TV with Phuong, if only for a short while. Soon, it was time to go. When I left, I felt this heavy emptiness. Apparently, emptiness in the heart defies the law of gravity. It feels like a heavy burden, but hollow and large. I doubt that could conjure up an image of what I felt but these are the words that describe it.

There is no one to look forward to talking to after getting home. 

There is no one to call and ask about their day.

I'm alone. Be careful what you wish for.

I think I will start blogging regularly again, it helps me get my feelings out without having to talk to someone. 

So sorry it's over

There's so much more that I wanted and

There's so much more that I needed and

Time keeps moving on and on and on

Soon we'll all be gone.

Cloudy days

I feel perfectly fine
If I go on with my day,
If the sun is out to shine
On my heart, lonely and grey.

I'm all smiles and laughter,
I'm too busy to notice
And make my day go faster
So my brain won't know this,

But my heart does.
The feeling of missing you
And all in the past that was.
Is this what i wanted to do?

I have to remind myself this,
that I can't let my heart win.
I'm alone because I'm selfish
And want my future to begin.

I'm scared of what could've been
because I don't know anything!
And everything is so uncertain,
I don't know what the future will bring.

All I see is the past,
The mistakes I see everyone make.
And though I wanted us to last,
this chance I just couldn't seem to take.

I'm so sorry for ruining us,
I'm so sorry you are no longer mine!
I can't put away your necklace,
our photos, your face from my mind.

It's not that I wanted somebody else
Or lost interest in our love,
But bad thoughts kept eating at my self
Until they were all I could think of.

You saw a bright future for us.
To me, the light was dimming.
And though I'm such a pessimist,
Of us I just keep dreaming.

Maybe one day we can try again
When we've both had time to grow.
If it was meant to be, then
When we'll meet again, we'll know.

vacashit

 I try to make you happy, you try to make up happy. We both end up sad as fuck.
I did say I want to spend more time with you during your Aug vacation since we didn't spend much time/ no time during your July vacation.
I said it because I love you and owed you at least that much.
But still, shit, I need fucking days to myself. Yeah, even if they ARE on your vacation. I just want to spend one of the last two days of your vaca together and have one for myself so I can tend to other people and things in my life. I obviously don't do work when I'm with you. Shit.
But no. You'd rather assume I don't want to spend either day with you. YOU change the plans. YOU say what you really want, your first choice. Your second choice.
I can't do your first choice so I choose to do your second choice but you won't have it.
And now you change your mind.
Fuck fuckey fuck fuckety fucky fuck.

I said I'd spend more time with you this break so I took off the entire fucking week off work! So there are no unnecessary distractions! You don't think I need the money? FUCK.
But you were so down and depressed last month that we didn't go anywhere so what choice do I have? Don't I have to be a good girlfriend and do at least this much for you????
SO I DO!!!
I DOOOO!!
I do, yet here we are again. Not satisfied with half a week. Wants the whole fucking week. Whoop dee fucking deedooddaaaa I don't HAVE the whole fucking week JUST FOR YOU. I'M SORRY. FUCK.

I don't even wanna go out anymore.
I just want to be a hermit.
I just want to be myself, BY myself, alone.

Love is complicated, and I don't like it.

l'amour

trop dificil pour moi. je comprend rien. 

vague update

This is what I get for not updating. Now, I can't remember things in correct order... I'm just gonna recall things as best as I can. =(

Jake and I really jumped at the opportunity to spend more time together for the summer and took advantage of it early on. We went to San Pedro, Malibu, (both days were chilly! pooey),... here there and everywhere =) He got me a new bathingsuit, it's such a happy color lol. Yellow/white striped with hot pink accents! We watch a lot of movies and eat just about everything lol. I'ts great.

Co Be and Ong Ba Ngoai came over for a couple of weeks or so, I was either working or with Jake most of the time, but did take off for a few days to hang out with family. We went to Nevada and Arizona for 3 days on a Chinese tour bus. Fobnesss..... But it was fun, and loud, and confusing. We were the only non-Chinese people on the bus lol.

Las Vegas is shit, I don't like it that much. The heat is too intense, the people just make it worse. The lights and sights are great and all but I enjoyed Arizona so much more than Nevada. We stayed at Hualapai Ranch, so cute and quaint! We had a nice home-style meal and then roasted marshmallows and made s'mores after dinner. CUTE?? yea!
Before dinner though, we went to the Grand Canyon and waited for the sunset. It hit the horizon perfectly, so beautiful =)
They woke us up at 5 AM to watch the sunrise, and it was quite a sight. I've never stayed for both a sunset AND sunrise hehehe, it's amazing.

Besides trips here and there I've mostly been working. Chi Ti found me a job working for a graphic designer, she pays me $15/hr, and she's really sweet. I like working for her a lot!

And I signed up to volunteer work in Stanton on a community project. It's a mural, and it's mostly a group of csulb art students, with some other volunteers. Eventually we hope to bring in the kids to help us, or at least do their hand imprints on the wall haha.

Vincent might write an article on me for Vien Dong newspaper =)! We'll see I guess!

There's just so much going on in life, I love it... though the sun doesn't always shine on all situations, it's beaming on my career path. ah...

Lisa Photografia!

The other day, Lisa came over to do some photography =) she did my makeup and brought some clothes to put on... or not. She also brought pasties. Those were the first thing I put on hehehehehe. The main point was to capture the jewelry! Lol but it didn't always happen. I don't know why, but whenever I see pictures of myself now with my straight bangs and big hangies, I see myself as Mexica. lol.... too much Mesoamerican art for meee!

The day was fun and great, Phuong came over just a bit after. We had some really good shots and some very silly fat ones lol. She edited them, her family liked her photography, and now wants her to do their photos lol.

Then Lisa had to go someplace so Phuong and I went out for tofu. All in all, a very good day, except for what was going on between me and the boif but that's solved now. Or well, I am still in the process of fixing it. At least things are better now, once again. hehe.

Enigma, part deux

SDeezy with Lisa and Elena, and Phuong and Tuan =)

Went really early in the morning (lol 8:30am) and got to Tuan's at 10:30 or so. Chilled around and went to see Phuong's game at 11ish. She won! But her next match wouldn't be until 7pm (!) so we wished her good luck and left. Tuan drove us to the beach, it was so beautiful, but that's all we could do... drive around looking for parking. There was none, not even far away from the beach and high up on hills, so we left.

We went to Enigma, but Lisa didn't want to get hers done today so I was the only one to go =( I talked to Mark about getting my smiley pierced but he really advised against it. I asked if repiercing my eyebrow, which I miss so much, would be a good idea. He said it would be OK  but hey, if it rejected once before it will likely reject again. I talked to the other guy behind the counter, I really liked his septum jewelry. He had 3 small gauge/ diameter rings in it. I asked him what size he's at and he said 10g. OK, I WANT THAT! =)
They were both really nice so I tipped them $10, even though I'm broke. It was a great experience, and I really enjoyed talking to them. Plus, They pierced me with a niobium retainer, awesome =)
10g hurt like a bitch for about 3 seconds, and then everything just feels so enlightening lol. I love it!

Tuan got his jewelry change there, and I changed his second one back at his place. We all watched a History International show special on the history of tattoo. It was great. Then some on Kama Sutra which was actually not as interesting. Lol. So we switched to Friends =) Left to see Phuong's 3rd match (missed her 2nd boooo) at like 8 or so. We stayed until 9 and left for home. It was a good day =)

So, piercing in the summer, at Enigma SD, ... done that twice now. Shall I make that a tradition? I'm definitely thinking of it. =)

i am a bad student

I don't think I've ever been so disappointed in myself in school as this semester. a C in illustration? I was doing so well in the beginning, my first two projects got a 10/10 and 8/10 respectively... but it just slid downhill from there. I couldn't/ wouldn't/ DIDN'T keep up with the workload. It should've been my favorite class. It was, actually. I liked working on projects in that class more than in Yu Ji's and in Rick's. I half-half-assed everything in Rick's class pretty much, because I'm a snob and pretty much am sure that I know 100% more about Photoshop and Illustrator than any of those art ed kids, and didn't put my best foot forward. And got an A. C in illustration, A in art ed, is this a sign of which direction to go? Then why does it feel so grim?


Both Yu Ji and Chawla said that it's not about the skill level, obviously I can produce quality work. But I don't. Being lazy gets you nowhere in this industry (or any other, for that matter). Both of them gave me a C. Is this what I needed to step up my game? I don't know. I hope so. Six classes next semester though, this shit's tough.

I'm going to make up for whatever my "portfolio" lacks by drawing and painting this summer. I need to get a move on.


A in sex ed and A in art ed, two totally dumb classes. Cake classes, safety nets, whatever. I don't feel happy for receiving these A's. I just feel a little relieved for my poor GPA, but no satisfaction.

Sigh.


edit: I got a B in Mesoamerican Art Hist. I actually did work for this class, went to every class and studied and read. I didn't do all of the necessary work, but I did the work. I am a straight B student this semester, one step down from last semester (B B B B... A. lol). OHBOYOHBOYZ.

Kayak!

Jake and I went kayaking yesterday, it was so much fun! It was my first and his second time... yet somehow I end up in front =( lol the water was really cold whenever it splashed (which became often, as the breeze blew stronger and stronger and AGAINST US!), but eventually I got so used to it that it was almost warm... lol. We were out there on the water for an hour and 15 mins, incredible! A very fun experience for $20. Thanks hon! I had a blast <3!! Lol but you knew that already... ;P

We were so sore and tired that it was soooper nice to chill on the sand. We brought along a ton of snacks: chips, strawberries, apples, oranges, pretzel sticks, strawberry lemonade, water, chex mix, etc etc... Sunbathed and relaxed under the sun, in the breeze. It was a perfect day! We stayed until around 3 and went back to his place for a movie. Daybreakers, it was weird and gross and scary as fuck, and nasty. =(

We ended the day with some Yoshinoya for dinner. It had been a long time since we last ate there so it was perrrffecct! =)

lalalove

It had been really tough, especially because of finals. Well actually, it was ALL BECAUSE OF FINALS! We had so many little disagreements that escalated to arguments, it was exhausting for the both of us. Finally, we were able to spend a good solid amount of time together yesterday, and it made all the difference. I'm so in love! We figured, neither of us are very good at handling stress lol. In fact, we suck at it. But I guess now that we know it for sure, and if we keep it in the back of our minds when we have problems, then we'll also subconsciously know that it's only temporary and will pass, and we'll be better soon. I'm so glad we're better now.

We had so much time on our hands that we didn't pay attention to it so much, and time just slipped by so quickly with all the good times! We had some fun, went to Island's and pigged out (can you imagine us at the bar, with 5 platters of food? Sliders, fries, quesadillas, nachos, chicken strips, ...LOL), went to the mall, got some cheap goods, went back for some lovely music and fun fun, then finally went to see Ironman II! I have mixed feelings about it, I don't really like the main character, he's kind of an ass lol but I guess people like that. We watched it in IMAX, but only for $14 for the both of us. Hehe ;)!

I'm so excited for tomorrow. It's going to be a beach playday! I'm sooo excited, maybe I'll get brown again like how I used to be. Maybe then I can match his filipinoness. <3

evol

I think the person I need to talk to the most is myself.

I repeat the same story to those who are close to me and get the same responses. But if I keep asking around, that must mean it's not what I'm looking for. So what am I looking for? What's the answer I seek out so badly?

How do you know when you love a person? Do you devote all your time to them, do you dote on them? If you don't, how else do you show it? Or does it only surface when that person threatens to leave your life? What if you made them leave?

the good times we shared, even just five days ago
the way we met, my favorite love story
my love letter from you, it smells like coffee and looks aged
a couple of hoodies and your blue pollo
you cooked for me and even wanted to clean up after.
i wanted my fair share of dishes, you know
lounging in your bed, watching whatever's on TV.
playing along to the game shows, laughing out loud
whispering tiny little things we have to repeat to make heard
you found my body mods sexy, i found yours as well
you always smelled so nice, even after a long day at work
it's funny when you tip-toed to double check if you were taller than me
i love your hair, i love your face. your hidden dimple, your smiling eyes
i loved you then, i love you now
our love story is like none i've ever had or ever will have
i'll remember it always
the only thing that makes me feel better right now is telling myself,
if it was meant to be, then it will be.

soulbff

(6:09:14 PM) tunanat: *hugs* miss you already

(6:15:00 PM) tunanat: there is no one in this world
(6:15:04 PM) tunanat: that understands my humor like you do
(6:15:12 PM) tunanat: ilu :D

(6:15:35 PM) tunanat: if i said "I gloowwed like a bitchhhh" to someone else
(6:15:44 PM) tunanat: i would get a totally diff response


---


(10:50:12 PM) BOMmie : I LOVE YOU IN ALMOST EVERY SINGLE WAY
(10:50:25 PM) BOMmie : YOU'RE MY BFF YOU'RE MY BRO YOU'RE MY HOMIE YOURE MY PET
(10:50:25 PM) tunanat: hahah u make me feel fuzzy inside
(10:50:41 PM) tunanat: like the sock i just pulled out between the towel, so much static!
(10:50:51 PM) BOMmie : nice

Saaan Diegogo

Yesterday was the last day of break and it ended with a bang :D or a splash in the water!

We all left a little late but it's okay! We stayed pretty much the whole day. Had lunch togetherrrr (although it took 3 tries to find a place that was open on Easter Sunday), bought a bunch of soda and candy and other food to cook for the niiight, watched Friends, went to the pool and hot tub, did not go to Enigma but we're saving that for next month, molested Phuong and Rosie, took a ton of dumb photos on land and under water etc etc etc. I made a couple of kandi bracelets. One says FUCK YOU <3 and the other, SEX YUM. Lolololol <3333

Tuan has aqua hair and Lisa has red hair. so pretty together. makes me wanna change my updo upppp! I have asian doll bangs again. Yaaaay.

It was a really fun day. I loved it. The only non-fun part and the person who might've had the least fun was prolly Rosie with her nagging jerk of a boyfriend. Makes me appreciate Jake and I made sure to let him know last night on the phone. "I appreciate you honey" lol.

last night was an interesting experience. numero uno noodles.

holy shit

joshuadavid reno, although not a celebrity, is fucking hot. fucking. hot. i have a sticker of his face (lol, Tawapa sticker) and wow stumbled across his photos through Tawapa. I think I know why girls swoon over Edward Cullen now. Except, fuck Edward Cullen. JOSHUADAVID GO!

Greek is my savior

I know it's lame, but this show gives me so much insight into... well, a lot of things. Most of all, of course, is relationships. Yesterday's episode is especially freaky. It brought up a lot of good questions and a lot of good points about how relationships work out, for short term or the long haul.

Casey is ready to graduate and go on to law school, grow up and move on with her life beyond college. Cappie is not, he just wants to stay in college until he's ready to leave the party life.

This is how they were brought up: Casey's are "regular" people, who mentally grow up and work and live according to social standards. Cappie's are unconventional hippies, they didn't marry, they traveled a lot, and believe education is lifelong so he should stay as long as he wants, because he has the money to anyway.

The two love each other, though, so how can they work it out? Casey keeps thinking of the future, and how it doesn't seem possible if they are on such different tracks. Cappie doesn't want to worry about that, and just live in the moment, and worry about graduation when it comes. "We'll worry about it then," he keeps saying.

And then someone said something that really hit me. Some loves aren't meant to last forever. Some loves are short love stories, but love stories nonetheless. In the end, Casey accepts that she and Cappie love each other and work well together, but only in college. Their love story is a short one. Once college is over, so are they. 

Where does that leave me? 

It makes me wonder, did I end things too hastily, worrying about the future when the present isn't even certain? This uncertainty is what kills me. Our relationship was the kind that was serious, the kind you'd consider for the rest of your life. I didn't know if I was ready for that, especially at 20 and with both of our futures so unsure. I didn't want to do him wrong but in the end, did I anyway? Should I have let our relationship go on, as long as we're happy, until we're no longer? And not worry so much about the future? Should I have let it be a short love story, if it was one, hoping it could develop into a long love story? I feel like I threw out something good before its expiration date, when I don't even know what that date is, or if it exists. What have I done...

14

i can't believe it was just exactly a month ago that we celebrated valentine's day. i don't know anymore if this is the best or worst thing that i could've done. i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i miss him.

if there's no future in it, i don't want to waste our time.

A very personal post.

We're usually happy when we are together, whether with other people or by ourselves. If a problem arises, it quickly gets solved. We're just very happy when we're together... but not so much when we are separated.

The truth is we just can't and won't see eye to eye. In order to do so would mean changing ourselves for the other person, doing what we don't want to do in order to please the other. I think that could be okay when it comes to habit-breaking, but this isn't a habit to me. It's just how we are as humans; it's how we show our love for a person. If someone had to change themselves and limit their love or show more than they want to, they aren't as happy as they would otherwise be.

I'm really happy when I'm with you, but it's the moments when I'm not that really count. Those times are what tell me whether we will work or not. There are a lot of jumbling thoughts in my head and I'm trying to put them all down in writing but it's hard and brain racking. Yesterday's talk really got me thinking, especially because you challenged me to end it. I almost did, then and there. I didn't act irrationally though, I wanted to think about it first. I thought it about it on and off the whole day, and all the pros and cons of our relationship, and things like that. It hurt but it's true, as true as I see it in my eyes.

Besides the fact that we will never agree on what's too much/ enough of each other when we are not together, there were some other important things to consider.

I don't like cigarettes. I have never liked them in my life. Sometimes, they look good on a person, and I admire the entire image... from a distance. It's also one of those things that somehow made you look good and confident, even though I hate them, I began to like you. Not because of them, but they did add to your image. I ignored my hatred for them, because I couldn't smell them on you or taste it or even see it. There was one time you decided to smoke after we had lunch and I was just waiting for you while you did... I didn't like it. But I just took it as it was. Then after that I rarely ever got hints of it from you anymore, so it bothered me less and less... but once in a while it would rise up as a problem for me because I'm not that amazing at hiding how I feel about things. You said you want to try to quit, and I know you can go for several days without them but the truth is I don't think you could ever quit. It's what you do when your friends are over, it's part of how you socialize with them. It's like how you quit drinking and drank coke when your buddies would drink alcohol, but how can you replace a cigarette? You can't. It's now become a part of your life, a part you can't let go of, for understandable reasons. But just because I can understand why doesn't mean I should be happy or tolerable of it. I'm sorry I can't be more accepting.

But that, that's a habit. Of course in every relationship, one person's habits are going to irritate the other person and vice versa, it's just how it is. These people can either learn to cope with it or to not, and leave. In my case, I did decide to cope with it. I did, just like I know you had to cope with my bad habits. So really, this isn't the big problem, but it is a small one that just adds to it.

The big problem goes back to the beginning of what I've been trying to say. We just don't see love the same way. And it's not fair for you to be the one who loves me more than I love you. When you said that yesterday, so strongly like it was fact, I believed you. I thought damn, he's right. Looking at things, he does love me much more than I love him. Or, at the very least, he shows love more than I show it to him. Is that fair? Even if you say it doesn't matter to you, you accept it? It's not fair, because that just means there is someone out there who can bestow their love on you as much as you would on them.

The most thought provoking thing you said last night though was, "If you don't love me anymore then why don't you just end it?"
I didn't know what to say to that. I really almost did. If any words had come out of my mouth at that moment, they would've been, "Fine, then it's over." But I knew better and kept my mouth shut. I needed to think about this and process what this meant.

Never had you ever challenged me with such a question, such as I have never you. So why did you say it? I wondered about this for the longest time. All it means to me is you're not happy, but you're only now finally showing it. You're not happy with how I'm so aloof and don't seem to care about us, even though in my own way I do. You don't think I care because I didn't call you soon enough, when only about an hour passed between the time when I got home and the time you called me angrily. An hour after work for me to relax and spend time by myself and do whatever I want to do. An hour I really need and want, as a person, for myself. Sometimes I just don't want to talk. Sometimes, a simple goodnight is enough. That though, would never be enough for you. We just don't agree.

So what do we do now? Where do we go from here? It seems like every time we advance and move on from this problem, we take a step back down within a few days. We can't seem to move past it, we can't seem to advance. Are we just going in circles now?

I care for you. I meant it when I said I love you. I do love you. I also wonder though, if love is really enough.

My parents love each other. I don't think that's enough.
The way they grew up determines how well they get along. The families they grew up with, the things they were taught, the things they did or didn't do.
I see now that upbringing is so, so important. I can't overlook it, as much as I want to believe I can and that it shouldn't matter so much, only the present does... but that's not true. Your past determines your present, and ultimately your future. Lately, I have not been able to see a future with you anymore. Not one without the same fights my parents have. Not one without the same ordeals my mom goes through every day, because even though dad calls home out of caring, it gets too much for my mom. My dad cares more than my mom. It doesn't work out well, I don't like what I'm seeing.

I know we've barely had any fights, which is good... so why now? And why with so much impact that it makes me reconsider everything we've been through? The thing is, this isn't some little thing. It's a very big deal. It's very important in deciding if we are compatible. It's not some little bickering over habit-related problems that are much easier to deal with and solve. I don't think this is solvable.

I don't know what else to say. I don't think there is much left to say except I'm sorry that this happened, but I'm not sorry that we happened. I never fell for anyone so fast and so hard as for you. I knew you were the one I could trust with my body and mind and heart, someone I could trust with the entirety of me as a person and a lover and a friend. I wasn't wrong about that. I don't regret it one bit. I do believe now though that we fell into a relationship much too fast, before we could truly get to know each other beyond the "I like you because you're funny and sweet." It was a whirlwind romance, one that romantic movies live off of... but in real life, it doesn't work that way.

I tried to organize my thoughts and feelings but I don't think I did a very good job. I repeated things several times, and some things I wanted to bring up I can't remember right now. I did my best.

goal

lobe goal size achieved =) didn't even need a taper. i love it

goodbye piercing

Took out my eyebrow piercing last night. I know I had to do it a while ago but I couldn't let it go. I really believed it would heal. Last night, though, it finally struck me that I couldn't salvage it; still had a BAF package with a ti barbell on its way, but it didn't matter anymore.

I was really upset this morning when I got my package in the mail and compared the Neometal ti cuBB vs an economical one. The curve was slight in the Neometal one, and very pronounced in the eco one. I think that would've made a big difference, if when I had switched it out for a shorter barbell, I opted for the brand name. Too bad being strapped for cash led me to make a poor, poor decision.


Let it heal, let it be repierced come summer.

On School, Love, Friends, Work

School

All final grades are posted; I got straight B's... + 1 A! WOOHOO?

I need to step up my game. I did better than I had feared, but I know I could've done better. I know I could've!

I don't usually get to go on vacation but this winter break, it's on! Hooray for the traveling Tran sisters, roundtripping from LB > Boston > NY > Boston > Spain > France > (European train trip!) > France > Boston > home =)

I will miss everyone. I will miss Jake dearly. He's been with me for what feels for so long I don't really remember the single days, haha. And honestly, for the first time in a long time (in a relationship), I don't miss those days. I'm happy where I am, with whom I am with. 

Love

You know hon, things have been so so very good with us I just can't imagine why it would ever go bad. It's a very optimistic view, I know, but isn't that a good thing? Isn't that how it should be, to be hopeful for us, whether we are in a good or bad situation? Always have heart and always have hope for love to grow. I like where we are heading, I love the way it feels. 

Friends

I love my friends =) the ones that I have held onto for the past several years.

Phuong, you're so funny and natural, and gross because you're too natural sometimes, but we get along amazing, bff. Thank you for the very thoughtful gift. I now know what it's like to get a tattoo you don't like and have it stay on forever. But hey, it finally washed off!

Tuan, you are my bff artsy fartsy buddy and I love you for it! Thank you for the very heartfelt card. I think this is the first time I've gotten you nothing. I will make up for it promise!

Lisa, you're as natural as Phuong, I love that about you girls. You're easy-going and hilarious and thoughtful. Thanks for sharing your pass with me whenever you could, I really appreciate it. Must get you something in return.

Anthony, I haven't seen as much of you lately as I have had in the past, but we're still good buddies and I love that. Sometimes I wish things were like how they used to be, but as for yourself, please don't ever change. 

Rosie, we haven't hung out much more either... =( I often think about those times, those very hilarious nights out we had so many of, to drown our boyfriend-less lonelinesses. But look what happened! We are both taken now, and taken away from each other. Hopefully we will get to hang out more, cos I wanna go back to Mochilato this summer!

Annelee, you're too cool for me. And things have been very rough for you lately, I hope 2010 brings sunnier days. Things are looking good right? I mean, I get the feeling that you don't believe you can get whatever cutie you want but lookie loo, you're getting all kinds of cuties wanting to call you up and go out with you, and you're turning them down. HAHA. I'll be seeing you soon roomie!

I've made a few friends here and there and I think the newest person I think I could have a good solid friendship with would be Ichi-Noodles. We'll see though, I guess! 

Work

The workplace just hasn't been as pleasant as it used to be when it first opened, or when Ethan was around. Kassem is hated, everyone wants everyone else to call the hotline so that he can get transfered outta here. GET OUTTA HEA! People are jealous of others because of favoritism; this person is getting more hours, this person is more privileged because of such and such, blah blah blah. GET OVER IT! Improve yourself, maybe you will get those privileges. 

Customers give me headaches, what with all the coupon-system-cheating and whatnot. SIGH. Please, just get your item and go! No, I will not ring you up at my counter because Register1 told you you've reached the item limit. GO HOME! GO! HOOOMEE!

I'm gonna go to France soon, I'm so excited,... but for now, I'm going to bed. Goodnight, world.