A very personal post.
We're usually happy when we are together, whether with other people or by ourselves. If a problem arises, it quickly gets solved. We're just very happy when we're together... but not so much when we are separated.
The truth is we just can't and won't see eye to eye. In order to do so would mean changing ourselves for the other person, doing what we don't want to do in order to please the other. I think that could be okay when it comes to habit-breaking, but this isn't a habit to me. It's just how we are as humans; it's how we show our love for a person. If someone had to change themselves and limit their love or show more than they want to, they aren't as happy as they would otherwise be.
I'm really happy when I'm with you, but it's the moments when I'm not that really count. Those times are what tell me whether we will work or not. There are a lot of jumbling thoughts in my head and I'm trying to put them all down in writing but it's hard and brain racking. Yesterday's talk really got me thinking, especially because you challenged me to end it. I almost did, then and there. I didn't act irrationally though, I wanted to think about it first. I thought it about it on and off the whole day, and all the pros and cons of our relationship, and things like that. It hurt but it's true, as true as I see it in my eyes.
Besides the fact that we will never agree on what's too much/ enough of each other when we are not together, there were some other important things to consider.
I don't like cigarettes. I have never liked them in my life. Sometimes, they look good on a person, and I admire the entire image... from a distance. It's also one of those things that somehow made you look good and confident, even though I hate them, I began to like you. Not because of them, but they did add to your image. I ignored my hatred for them, because I couldn't smell them on you or taste it or even see it. There was one time you decided to smoke after we had lunch and I was just waiting for you while you did... I didn't like it. But I just took it as it was. Then after that I rarely ever got hints of it from you anymore, so it bothered me less and less... but once in a while it would rise up as a problem for me because I'm not that amazing at hiding how I feel about things. You said you want to try to quit, and I know you can go for several days without them but the truth is I don't think you could ever quit. It's what you do when your friends are over, it's part of how you socialize with them. It's like how you quit drinking and drank coke when your buddies would drink alcohol, but how can you replace a cigarette? You can't. It's now become a part of your life, a part you can't let go of, for understandable reasons. But just because I can understand why doesn't mean I should be happy or tolerable of it. I'm sorry I can't be more accepting.
But that, that's a habit. Of course in every relationship, one person's habits are going to irritate the other person and vice versa, it's just how it is. These people can either learn to cope with it or to not, and leave. In my case, I did decide to cope with it. I did, just like I know you had to cope with my bad habits. So really, this isn't the big problem, but it is a small one that just adds to it.
The big problem goes back to the beginning of what I've been trying to say. We just don't see love the same way. And it's not fair for you to be the one who loves me more than I love you. When you said that yesterday, so strongly like it was fact, I believed you. I thought damn, he's right. Looking at things, he does love me much more than I love him. Or, at the very least, he shows love more than I show it to him. Is that fair? Even if you say it doesn't matter to you, you accept it? It's not fair, because that just means there is someone out there who can bestow their love on you as much as you would on them.
The most thought provoking thing you said last night though was, "If you don't love me anymore then why don't you just end it?"
I didn't know what to say to that. I really almost did. If any words had come out of my mouth at that moment, they would've been, "Fine, then it's over." But I knew better and kept my mouth shut. I needed to think about this and process what this meant.
Never had you ever challenged me with such a question, such as I have never you. So why did you say it? I wondered about this for the longest time. All it means to me is you're not happy, but you're only now finally showing it. You're not happy with how I'm so aloof and don't seem to care about us, even though in my own way I do. You don't think I care because I didn't call you soon enough, when only about an hour passed between the time when I got home and the time you called me angrily. An hour after work for me to relax and spend time by myself and do whatever I want to do. An hour I really need and want, as a person, for myself. Sometimes I just don't want to talk. Sometimes, a simple goodnight is enough. That though, would never be enough for you. We just don't agree.
So what do we do now? Where do we go from here? It seems like every time we advance and move on from this problem, we take a step back down within a few days. We can't seem to move past it, we can't seem to advance. Are we just going in circles now?
I care for you. I meant it when I said I love you. I do love you. I also wonder though, if love is really enough.
My parents love each other. I don't think that's enough.
The way they grew up determines how well they get along. The families they grew up with, the things they were taught, the things they did or didn't do.
I see now that upbringing is so, so important. I can't overlook it, as much as I want to believe I can and that it shouldn't matter so much, only the present does... but that's not true. Your past determines your present, and ultimately your future. Lately, I have not been able to see a future with you anymore. Not one without the same fights my parents have. Not one without the same ordeals my mom goes through every day, because even though dad calls home out of caring, it gets too much for my mom. My dad cares more than my mom. It doesn't work out well, I don't like what I'm seeing.
I know we've barely had any fights, which is good... so why now? And why with so much impact that it makes me reconsider everything we've been through? The thing is, this isn't some little thing. It's a very big deal. It's very important in deciding if we are compatible. It's not some little bickering over habit-related problems that are much easier to deal with and solve. I don't think this is solvable.
I don't know what else to say. I don't think there is much left to say except I'm sorry that this happened, but I'm not sorry that we happened. I never fell for anyone so fast and so hard as for you. I knew you were the one I could trust with my body and mind and heart, someone I could trust with the entirety of me as a person and a lover and a friend. I wasn't wrong about that. I don't regret it one bit. I do believe now though that we fell into a relationship much too fast, before we could truly get to know each other beyond the "I like you because you're funny and sweet." It was a whirlwind romance, one that romantic movies live off of... but in real life, it doesn't work that way.
I tried to organize my thoughts and feelings but I don't think I did a very good job. I repeated things several times, and some things I wanted to bring up I can't remember right now. I did my best.