time and change

A year is a short amount of time...

So much happens in so little time, but you seldom realize it because it happens so slowly that you don't feel it. Then something reminds you, shocks you a little maybe, and you remember.

On Facebook there's a little section in a side panel that shows you old status updates you or someone else made 365 days ago. I glanced over at it tonight and on this same day last year, I wrote " I love my boyfriend :) "
I clicked on it curiously, wondering why I said such a thing to the world of Facebook. I still don't remember, but it was made out to J.F.
Funny, it's only been a year exactly but if I say these words now, they would be for R.A.
It leaves me wondering, did I mean what I said? Do I mean what I say now? It's only been a year...

But so much can happen in a year, you know.

I got over an old lover and "met someone new," although I've known him all along.
We got to know each other, get intimate and comfortable beyond friendship.
Several movie and dinner dates, several nights staring at the stars and talking about the colors in the sunset, a few holidays and birthdays, gift-giving occasions, a wedding, some hiking and a vacation, roller coasters and parties later we're closer than ever.

I've gotta say that I've never felt this close and comfortable with another lover, nor have I ever felt so cared about and for and thought of so much as by R. Maybe because we based our relationship off of a friendship first? Maybe, probably? Whatever it is, it's working just right. And when I say I love him, I mean it.

A year is a long time.

2010 Reflections

It's a Friday night, and New Year's Eve is soon arriving.
I have a couple of hours of stillness before I head out with the work crew to celebrate, let me reflect a little on 2010 and what has come and gone while listening to John Mayer's 'Slow Dancing in a Burning Room.'


Relationships

I spent most of 2010 paired with Jake. I don't regret having been with him, and I don't regret having ended it. Every time I leave a relationship I learn a little more about who I am and what I want, what I need from my partner, what I need in the relationship and secured for the future.

From this relationship, I've learned that getting involved with someone romantically means getting involved with their family as well, it's inevitable. And though my partner's personality or lifestyle may not be totally and completely derived from his family, he will always have been influenced by them somehow. I've also learned that what they do now gives me a pretty good idea of what they will be doing in the future. It's rare for anyone's life to completely change, or even make a good turnaround. Usually, they will just follow the path they've already set for themselves some years ago. I've learned from past relationships that I don't want a partner too attached and clingy, who's a bad kisser, and is self-belittling; someone who gives all his heart from the start without knowing what he's headed for, too serious about life, and awkwardly nice; a boy who does not grow up, only wants to have fun, will go out of his way to make his fun, and is treated as a boy by his family with these reasons so obvious to me, yet he could not see; one who has a self-image problem, and doesn't take enough initiative to change his lifestyle, who loves love too much... the list goes on, and will go on as long as I know who I am and what I want.

But enough with the relationship rant, teeehee.
Some fun things that have happened recently...
1) I wore my giant 6g nose ring to Kula with Phuong, and Sushiboy struck up conversation with me about it, and about his teeny 14g one haha. Phuong left him my number but he was on break, as we saw walking out the place, and didn't get it... THANKFULLY, LISA AND PHUONG WENT TO KULA THE VERY NEXT DAY and Lisa brought me up. He asked for my name and Lisa left him my number again at the table. Too bad I've not heard from him, he seemed cute, although I can't say for sure what he looked like anymore :(
2) I met Jamie last semester, and she's such a cool chick. She invited me to her Thanksgiving kickback, I went by myself and was pretty intimidated at first but ended up making a few friends. I went to lunch with one, DM, and though I thought he was interesting at first I no longer think so. I still owe a lunch date with DB so I will try to carry that out, but I think their lifestyles are real turn-offs. Maybe I'm just not into the richer guys who have free time to do pot. I don't have anything against them for doing it, and hearing them talk about it is interesting somewhat, but that's not what I want for myself..
3) I've been seeing straight-edge instead. I thought the Christmas wrapping was just about the best thing ever. He's definitely getting to me lol.


Work

I'm still working at Walgreens with everyone who originally started at this store. Jeanette was let go some time ago, I'm not sure if this was in the past year. Not a great loss at all, tbh lolol. Losing John was rather unfortunate though. I feel like, with the way I card smokers, I might get caught in their stupid traps too. :/

In addition to Walgreens I also work as a graphic designer! I think this has been the most exciting thing to happen to me in a long long time. It happened so suddenly, too!
Apparently, Chi Ti and Burroughs were having brunch at nearby tables when Burroughs overheard Chi Ti mention that she knows someone who could design her Bicyclist Club's shirts. Burroughs, having been looking for new designers for her small business, came over to the cyclist table and gave Chi Ti her card.
I've been working for her ever since, making whatever small businesses come to her for: business cards, banners, flyers, pamphlets, magnets... I also work on her personal line of pet-themed collectibles. She's a sweet lady, and giving me a raise soon! I'm excited for what 's in store for me =)


School

I didn't do so hot last semester, I got almost all B's save one A and one D!!! It was a Carlos class, sigh. I got an A in enameling though! I thoroughly enjoyed Susanna's class, and hope to take at least one more metals class while I'm still here.
I've decided to go through with the BFA program. I'm gonna work on my portfolio given the chance, and apply for the program hopefully by next year. I hope to graduate in two years, with two degrees. I'm excited and anxious for the future! Teacher? Illustrator? Designer? No one knows.


Memorables

Over the summer I worked with a group of art students and community service volunteers on a mural in Stanton. It was a fairly large wall, standing at 14 feet tall and 60 feet wide. I worked on it with Jake, too, and so his name will be along mine on the wall for as long as the painting stands. It looks adorable, I love the colors and the message. I drew all the people! =)

I've picked up an interest in ceramics and fabrics, LOL. I want yarn now more than ever, and want to learn foreals how to make stuff! I don't really wanna do more ceramics but I keep an eye out for unique ceramic things, like this adorable set of half-cups that form one mug together. It looks like it was made cheap, but I got it at Goodwill for cheap anyway lol, and it's just so adorable!

I love hanging out with Phuong Lisa and Tuan. Of course Tuan is not usually here, so we 3 girls tend to have our own fun most of the time. We all have very different goals for the future and schedules but make it all work to get that coffee and tea, and those damn pastries. 85C adventures, errands, The Office, whatever it may be, I love it all. I love my friends!

I've stopped stretching my lobes for a bit, the cold weather had been really harsh on them. While they heal and stay content at 0g, I've been working on my septum piercing instead. I'm at 4g now, and not looking to stop any time soon. I'd like to reach at least 0g there. I'm contemplating what other piercing to get... but I guess I will know in 2011 8)

lalalove

It had been really tough, especially because of finals. Well actually, it was ALL BECAUSE OF FINALS! We had so many little disagreements that escalated to arguments, it was exhausting for the both of us. Finally, we were able to spend a good solid amount of time together yesterday, and it made all the difference. I'm so in love! We figured, neither of us are very good at handling stress lol. In fact, we suck at it. But I guess now that we know it for sure, and if we keep it in the back of our minds when we have problems, then we'll also subconsciously know that it's only temporary and will pass, and we'll be better soon. I'm so glad we're better now.

We had so much time on our hands that we didn't pay attention to it so much, and time just slipped by so quickly with all the good times! We had some fun, went to Island's and pigged out (can you imagine us at the bar, with 5 platters of food? Sliders, fries, quesadillas, nachos, chicken strips, ...LOL), went to the mall, got some cheap goods, went back for some lovely music and fun fun, then finally went to see Ironman II! I have mixed feelings about it, I don't really like the main character, he's kind of an ass lol but I guess people like that. We watched it in IMAX, but only for $14 for the both of us. Hehe ;)!

I'm so excited for tomorrow. It's going to be a beach playday! I'm sooo excited, maybe I'll get brown again like how I used to be. Maybe then I can match his filipinoness. <3

A very personal post.

We're usually happy when we are together, whether with other people or by ourselves. If a problem arises, it quickly gets solved. We're just very happy when we're together... but not so much when we are separated.

The truth is we just can't and won't see eye to eye. In order to do so would mean changing ourselves for the other person, doing what we don't want to do in order to please the other. I think that could be okay when it comes to habit-breaking, but this isn't a habit to me. It's just how we are as humans; it's how we show our love for a person. If someone had to change themselves and limit their love or show more than they want to, they aren't as happy as they would otherwise be.

I'm really happy when I'm with you, but it's the moments when I'm not that really count. Those times are what tell me whether we will work or not. There are a lot of jumbling thoughts in my head and I'm trying to put them all down in writing but it's hard and brain racking. Yesterday's talk really got me thinking, especially because you challenged me to end it. I almost did, then and there. I didn't act irrationally though, I wanted to think about it first. I thought it about it on and off the whole day, and all the pros and cons of our relationship, and things like that. It hurt but it's true, as true as I see it in my eyes.

Besides the fact that we will never agree on what's too much/ enough of each other when we are not together, there were some other important things to consider.

I don't like cigarettes. I have never liked them in my life. Sometimes, they look good on a person, and I admire the entire image... from a distance. It's also one of those things that somehow made you look good and confident, even though I hate them, I began to like you. Not because of them, but they did add to your image. I ignored my hatred for them, because I couldn't smell them on you or taste it or even see it. There was one time you decided to smoke after we had lunch and I was just waiting for you while you did... I didn't like it. But I just took it as it was. Then after that I rarely ever got hints of it from you anymore, so it bothered me less and less... but once in a while it would rise up as a problem for me because I'm not that amazing at hiding how I feel about things. You said you want to try to quit, and I know you can go for several days without them but the truth is I don't think you could ever quit. It's what you do when your friends are over, it's part of how you socialize with them. It's like how you quit drinking and drank coke when your buddies would drink alcohol, but how can you replace a cigarette? You can't. It's now become a part of your life, a part you can't let go of, for understandable reasons. But just because I can understand why doesn't mean I should be happy or tolerable of it. I'm sorry I can't be more accepting.

But that, that's a habit. Of course in every relationship, one person's habits are going to irritate the other person and vice versa, it's just how it is. These people can either learn to cope with it or to not, and leave. In my case, I did decide to cope with it. I did, just like I know you had to cope with my bad habits. So really, this isn't the big problem, but it is a small one that just adds to it.

The big problem goes back to the beginning of what I've been trying to say. We just don't see love the same way. And it's not fair for you to be the one who loves me more than I love you. When you said that yesterday, so strongly like it was fact, I believed you. I thought damn, he's right. Looking at things, he does love me much more than I love him. Or, at the very least, he shows love more than I show it to him. Is that fair? Even if you say it doesn't matter to you, you accept it? It's not fair, because that just means there is someone out there who can bestow their love on you as much as you would on them.

The most thought provoking thing you said last night though was, "If you don't love me anymore then why don't you just end it?"
I didn't know what to say to that. I really almost did. If any words had come out of my mouth at that moment, they would've been, "Fine, then it's over." But I knew better and kept my mouth shut. I needed to think about this and process what this meant.

Never had you ever challenged me with such a question, such as I have never you. So why did you say it? I wondered about this for the longest time. All it means to me is you're not happy, but you're only now finally showing it. You're not happy with how I'm so aloof and don't seem to care about us, even though in my own way I do. You don't think I care because I didn't call you soon enough, when only about an hour passed between the time when I got home and the time you called me angrily. An hour after work for me to relax and spend time by myself and do whatever I want to do. An hour I really need and want, as a person, for myself. Sometimes I just don't want to talk. Sometimes, a simple goodnight is enough. That though, would never be enough for you. We just don't agree.

So what do we do now? Where do we go from here? It seems like every time we advance and move on from this problem, we take a step back down within a few days. We can't seem to move past it, we can't seem to advance. Are we just going in circles now?

I care for you. I meant it when I said I love you. I do love you. I also wonder though, if love is really enough.

My parents love each other. I don't think that's enough.
The way they grew up determines how well they get along. The families they grew up with, the things they were taught, the things they did or didn't do.
I see now that upbringing is so, so important. I can't overlook it, as much as I want to believe I can and that it shouldn't matter so much, only the present does... but that's not true. Your past determines your present, and ultimately your future. Lately, I have not been able to see a future with you anymore. Not one without the same fights my parents have. Not one without the same ordeals my mom goes through every day, because even though dad calls home out of caring, it gets too much for my mom. My dad cares more than my mom. It doesn't work out well, I don't like what I'm seeing.

I know we've barely had any fights, which is good... so why now? And why with so much impact that it makes me reconsider everything we've been through? The thing is, this isn't some little thing. It's a very big deal. It's very important in deciding if we are compatible. It's not some little bickering over habit-related problems that are much easier to deal with and solve. I don't think this is solvable.

I don't know what else to say. I don't think there is much left to say except I'm sorry that this happened, but I'm not sorry that we happened. I never fell for anyone so fast and so hard as for you. I knew you were the one I could trust with my body and mind and heart, someone I could trust with the entirety of me as a person and a lover and a friend. I wasn't wrong about that. I don't regret it one bit. I do believe now though that we fell into a relationship much too fast, before we could truly get to know each other beyond the "I like you because you're funny and sweet." It was a whirlwind romance, one that romantic movies live off of... but in real life, it doesn't work that way.

I tried to organize my thoughts and feelings but I don't think I did a very good job. I repeated things several times, and some things I wanted to bring up I can't remember right now. I did my best.

The Holidays

It's been great; the sun is out (now), the lights are up (the neighbors'), everyone's busy and bustling (putting up the tree today, on the Eve).


I spent almost a whole day with Jake yesterday, from morning to night.=) It started out rocky and unhappy, but as always, we work it out. We get over our problem and everything is great. So for lunch we went to get fish and chip's at H. Salt's! It was delicious. It makes me hunger for the cole slaw at that one place Anne Lee took me to in SD though. That shit was the bomb. TIN FISH! Tin Fish Gaslamp, there you go! MMMM

We tried to eat light and split a meal so that we might have room for a buffet later at night!

We hopped in the car and he said, "Honey can you open the glove compartment for me?"
So I popped it open and POOF there was a little green box with a red bow. Awwww! Except that it wasn't green, stupid yellow lighting, it was blue, ...  Tiffany Blue! I was so excited and jumping around and we were both rushing and excited and we got there and, he forgot his wallet. OFF HOME WE GO! WEEE! got your wallet? BACK TO THE RESTAU WE GO! WEEE!

He took us to Hokkaido, a chinese(?) buffet. Biggest buffet I've ever been to. The tables of food were snaking around! I loved it. The food was amazing, the cutie sitting across me was amazing, the little box I opened was amazing, and the gift he got me is amazing. I'm wearing it everyday. EV. RIE. DAE.



Merry Christmas, AJF

ily <3

Marley&Me, GardenWalk date

Blogging 10 days later, memories aren't as good... :(
On that day Jake and I just wanted to have a nice long day together.
BUT some of his buddies decided to drop by and so we had a fam/friends BBQ instead. After everyone had left, we enjoyed some downtime and watched Marley and Me.
The dog death was sad, and brought up memories of Fidji. I was also really sensitive to doggy death because of what had been happening at Lisa's.

Whatever comes up, we will work through it, right Jake? =)

Later that night he took me to Anaheim GardenWalk. We were so psyched to watch Couples' Retreat! The area looked great, all lit up and stuff, and we found the theater...

But I got denied entrance to the theater. "21+ Only," it says.
I'm only 6 months short :(
And it's a PG-13 movie :(
stupid alcohol-serving facility!

"I feel like I'm dancing on the air"

After class, Jake picked me up to go eat. We were gonna eat at Deli News but his friends called and we went to Chili's at the Pike. The food was good, and the bill was cheap, until Jake asked for it to be combined and it turns out it wasn't split at all, the waitress forgot to add the 2nd couple's meal to it lollolol. Poor Jake *pat pat*
So, I got to meet and hang out with his buddies JR & Anna. AND THEIR BABY JARED! sososossoo cute.
They're easy to get along with and talk to. I usually have more trouble meeting people's friends. so yay

Afterwards, they dropped us back at Jake's and he and I just karaoke'd for a good long time. "Serenade me," he said. Hahahah.
Our voices gave out (mine did, anyway... and my ears), we were tired, we went to bed.
A lot of things were shared and talked about and though I can't seem to say it anymore at this time, I don't take back what I've already said.

I said it to A.C. and didn't believe myself and knew it was a mistake and I said it because he did.
I couldn't, didn't want to, and believed I'd never say it to A.A. because I knew I'd never feel that way for him.


In my dreams, I can fly
I can swim in the sky
I feel like I'm dancing on the air
To the music everywhere
Because you love me, yes you love me
In my dreams, in my dreams.


--Walter Meego - In My Dreams

homecooked goodness

After school, Jake and I went grocery shopping so he could cook up his special dish =) MMmm delicious alfredo!
Clumsy me kicked a glass cup (with coke in it!) to the floor and shattered it.
Sigh.

Then in the dark, I dropped the snake bracelet on what I thought was the table but in reality was in... a glass cup. The hell?

We were watching TV, I fell asleep. It was only for a short moment but when I awoke he wasn't there. I kinda panicked. It's a rare feeling...


can't think of a way to end this. lol.

Sarah's bday party

After work, I got ready to go to Jake's little (4 yrs old!) cousin's birthday party. We went to Walmart and he got her a Princess fleece throw, and what do you know, it was a Princess party, and she looked adorable in her little princess dress =)

The heat was on during Pictionary. Our team won the first round! Jansen's team was still in first square when we were at the finish square HAHA. Second round was close, but we lost =( and I had to go home, so there was no tie-breaker... = rematch, one day!

I like his family. They're very welcoming and fun and all the good stuff. So far, so good.

Sigh, I got a shit-ton of hw to do. I'm not going out today. Except maybe to the library... if I can't concentrate at home.


Mmmm chocolate chip waffle. Before brushing teeth. Still, gooooood~

i'm welcomed =)

I went out with Jake yesterday night but instead of a regular date we went to his much beloved uncle's place. Originally the plan was for a (3) couples' dinner night, but it turned into a family thing, with aunts & uncles & cousins & a grandma and a dad and a sister and her bf and meee... hehe

Everyone was really cool and nice. I like that they're not awkwardly quiet blahblah. They're fun! They compete in wii bowling, lol. It was a fun night. And an aunt invited me to her daughter's 5th birthday this coming saturday. SHE REALLY DIDN'T HAVE TO, I DON'T UNDERSTAND TAGALOG, SHE COULD'VE SPOKEN IN CODE! I still have to think about what to get her. ^^;


We've only been going out for a couple of weeks, but a lot has happened since, and it feels like we've known each other longer. I'm hoping he's a keeper. Please?

too much too much

On my 3rd day of school now.

School every day 9AM-3:45 with an hour lunch break between classes. Every day! Monday through friday.

I also had to close at work last night and tonight as well. I don't get home til 1040 or so.

Jake came by to visit at work since school and work eat up my whole day. It was a really special night, I really like him.

Anyway I don't think we'll have much time for each other. He works full time, I go to school full time, work part time... still gotta make time for friends too of course. We'll see how things pan out.

On the subject of school, I'm still waiting to get into a class, but I'm 90% confident I'll get in. I just gotta wait til tonight to see if they've added me.


I should redo my whole room this weekend, I know I don't have a chance at getting serious about my classes until there's room on the floor to walk a straight path across. SHIT


shit shit shit. I gotta get my shit together. I should've done this a month ago.

at least  I got paid, motherfucken yeessss, $540+, and still missing about a week's pay from last month =)!! TAX ATE LIKE $140 WTFWTFWTF I'M SO ANGRYSADFACE, TOO MUCH!

JF

so lately, I've been talking and spending time with Jake, but mostly during breaks at work. In a few days or a week or whatever we've become pretty comfortable around each other. Definitely more so than this time last week... haha.

It's a cute story (to me), how we met. I'm gonna miss working with him, a bit... lol.

He took me to school so I could make it on time to pay tuition after work. Then we went grocery shopping and stopped by Annelee's. Hung out and had dinner, it was a nice night =)

I feel like he's a keeper, but I guess we'll have to see.
I still have that fear inside me. I fear I can't do it.
If I screw up, he would be a great loss.. =(