heavy

Misery loves company. I'm thankful I can talk to Anthony; strange that we are in the same boat. It helps to know someone going through a similar situation, it's a lot easier to talk to them over others who aren't in such a situation.

I found some comfort in simply watching TV with Phuong, if only for a short while. Soon, it was time to go. When I left, I felt this heavy emptiness. Apparently, emptiness in the heart defies the law of gravity. It feels like a heavy burden, but hollow and large. I doubt that could conjure up an image of what I felt but these are the words that describe it.

There is no one to look forward to talking to after getting home. 

There is no one to call and ask about their day.

I'm alone. Be careful what you wish for.

I think I will start blogging regularly again, it helps me get my feelings out without having to talk to someone. 

So sorry it's over

There's so much more that I wanted and

There's so much more that I needed and

Time keeps moving on and on and on

Soon we'll all be gone.

Cloudy days

I feel perfectly fine
If I go on with my day,
If the sun is out to shine
On my heart, lonely and grey.

I'm all smiles and laughter,
I'm too busy to notice
And make my day go faster
So my brain won't know this,

But my heart does.
The feeling of missing you
And all in the past that was.
Is this what i wanted to do?

I have to remind myself this,
that I can't let my heart win.
I'm alone because I'm selfish
And want my future to begin.

I'm scared of what could've been
because I don't know anything!
And everything is so uncertain,
I don't know what the future will bring.

All I see is the past,
The mistakes I see everyone make.
And though I wanted us to last,
this chance I just couldn't seem to take.

I'm so sorry for ruining us,
I'm so sorry you are no longer mine!
I can't put away your necklace,
our photos, your face from my mind.

It's not that I wanted somebody else
Or lost interest in our love,
But bad thoughts kept eating at my self
Until they were all I could think of.

You saw a bright future for us.
To me, the light was dimming.
And though I'm such a pessimist,
Of us I just keep dreaming.

Maybe one day we can try again
When we've both had time to grow.
If it was meant to be, then
When we'll meet again, we'll know.

vacashit

 I try to make you happy, you try to make up happy. We both end up sad as fuck.
I did say I want to spend more time with you during your Aug vacation since we didn't spend much time/ no time during your July vacation.
I said it because I love you and owed you at least that much.
But still, shit, I need fucking days to myself. Yeah, even if they ARE on your vacation. I just want to spend one of the last two days of your vaca together and have one for myself so I can tend to other people and things in my life. I obviously don't do work when I'm with you. Shit.
But no. You'd rather assume I don't want to spend either day with you. YOU change the plans. YOU say what you really want, your first choice. Your second choice.
I can't do your first choice so I choose to do your second choice but you won't have it.
And now you change your mind.
Fuck fuckey fuck fuckety fucky fuck.

I said I'd spend more time with you this break so I took off the entire fucking week off work! So there are no unnecessary distractions! You don't think I need the money? FUCK.
But you were so down and depressed last month that we didn't go anywhere so what choice do I have? Don't I have to be a good girlfriend and do at least this much for you????
SO I DO!!!
I DOOOO!!
I do, yet here we are again. Not satisfied with half a week. Wants the whole fucking week. Whoop dee fucking deedooddaaaa I don't HAVE the whole fucking week JUST FOR YOU. I'M SORRY. FUCK.

I don't even wanna go out anymore.
I just want to be a hermit.
I just want to be myself, BY myself, alone.

Love is complicated, and I don't like it.

l'amour

trop dificil pour moi. je comprend rien. 

vague update

This is what I get for not updating. Now, I can't remember things in correct order... I'm just gonna recall things as best as I can. =(

Jake and I really jumped at the opportunity to spend more time together for the summer and took advantage of it early on. We went to San Pedro, Malibu, (both days were chilly! pooey),... here there and everywhere =) He got me a new bathingsuit, it's such a happy color lol. Yellow/white striped with hot pink accents! We watch a lot of movies and eat just about everything lol. I'ts great.

Co Be and Ong Ba Ngoai came over for a couple of weeks or so, I was either working or with Jake most of the time, but did take off for a few days to hang out with family. We went to Nevada and Arizona for 3 days on a Chinese tour bus. Fobnesss..... But it was fun, and loud, and confusing. We were the only non-Chinese people on the bus lol.

Las Vegas is shit, I don't like it that much. The heat is too intense, the people just make it worse. The lights and sights are great and all but I enjoyed Arizona so much more than Nevada. We stayed at Hualapai Ranch, so cute and quaint! We had a nice home-style meal and then roasted marshmallows and made s'mores after dinner. CUTE?? yea!
Before dinner though, we went to the Grand Canyon and waited for the sunset. It hit the horizon perfectly, so beautiful =)
They woke us up at 5 AM to watch the sunrise, and it was quite a sight. I've never stayed for both a sunset AND sunrise hehehe, it's amazing.

Besides trips here and there I've mostly been working. Chi Ti found me a job working for a graphic designer, she pays me $15/hr, and she's really sweet. I like working for her a lot!

And I signed up to volunteer work in Stanton on a community project. It's a mural, and it's mostly a group of csulb art students, with some other volunteers. Eventually we hope to bring in the kids to help us, or at least do their hand imprints on the wall haha.

Vincent might write an article on me for Vien Dong newspaper =)! We'll see I guess!

There's just so much going on in life, I love it... though the sun doesn't always shine on all situations, it's beaming on my career path. ah...